Oh baby, it's Haute Couture!

After reading Tanya Gold's article about how, at a UK size 16 (US size 14), she was not able to find any high end designer shops that carried her size, I became a bit obsessed with the idea of whether or not I could fit into a high end designer brand, or if I was "too fat for fashion" as well.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I generally despise the body image dictates and exclusivity of high fashion. I despise anything that sets women up for hating themselves because they don't look like what they see in the magazines.
I hate this entire culture of thin is in and curves are out, and I wonder about what it says about our society and the increasing masculinization of the feminine beauty ideal.
Who was it who decided that models needed to look like 12 year-old boys, anyway? The predominantly gay male designers, perhaps? Hmmmm, or maybe it's just that Anna Wintour has a sick anorexia fetish that she wishes to foist upon the entire world.
At any rate, I found myself becoming a traitor to my own cause as I pondered whether or not I could fit into a designer brand. Any designer brand. Truth be told, I wouldn't be able to tell a Versace from a Gaultier and would feel like a shallow twit if I could.
I basically know what the Chanel logo looks like, and that Chanel perfumes smell like bitches or old ladies and that's about it.
So I decided to start my quest with Dolce & Gabbana. Why? Because of this skirt:



I know nothing about Designer sizing. 29, 24, 22? What does that mean? Does that mean inches in waist? What if my hips are bigger than my waist? Is it in Centimeters?
I decided to err on the side of caution and grab a size 29, the biggest they had available.
I nervously wandered to the fitting room and pondered what it would mean to me if I could fit into this deliciously tacky skirt. At only $300 on sale, surely I would need to have it. Surely, it was a skirt to put all rockabilly chicks and Peggy Bundy wannabes to shame.
Surely, I would never fit into a $300 size 29 Dolce & Gabbana skirt.
Wiggle up the hips, and lo and behold, it was a size too big! Did you hear me world? IT WAS A SIZE TOO BIG!!!
Sadly, the bold animal print of the skirt also made my ass look enormous, as animal prints often do. I decided not to buy the skirt, after realizing that perhaps it made my butt look just a bit too ghetto fabulous to be considered in good taste.

The moral of this story is, just because you can fit into designer clothes does not mean they will look good on you.